But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
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