Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
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