Texts From Last Night · bananabear's Favorites

bananabear's Favorites Texts:

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(870): View more from Arkansas

At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(440): View more from Ohio

made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(770): View more from Georgia

It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.

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(419): View more from Ohio

doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(352): View more from Florida

all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits

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(240): View more from Maryland

she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(319): View more from Iowa

the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler

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(913): View more from Kansas

I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk

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(214): View more from Texas

I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me

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(775): View more from Nevada

If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.

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(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

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(206): View more from Washington

i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..

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(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

(970): View more from Colorado

well, dont

(720): View more from Colorado

I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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(408): View more from California

um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't remember what your face looks like..

(727): View more from Florida

I don't remember your face either, just your dick.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

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(213): View more from California

those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(802): View more from Vermont

elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cherish every text you send me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i turned job hunting into a drinking game..

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(716): View more from New York

it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.

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(408): View more from California

We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.

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(740): View more from Ohio

ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell

(720): View more from Colorado

That's the classiest thing you've ever said.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(619): View more from California

i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...

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(805): View more from California

just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)

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(650): View more from California

Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss

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(208): View more from Idaho

found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.

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(216): View more from Ohio

he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out

(513): View more from Ohio

so is it as big as he says?

(216): View more from Ohio

he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.

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(917): View more from New York City

i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(863): View more from Florida

I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.

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(706): View more from Georgia

dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up

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(301): View more from Maryland

I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day

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(516): View more from New York

The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(904): View more from Florida

the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

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(678): View more from Georgia

she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy

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(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

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(214): View more from Texas

New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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(925): View more from California

I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me

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(752): View more from California

i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt

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(407): View more from Florida

the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party

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(845): View more from New York

beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween

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(817): View more from Texas

so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.

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(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We need to start having sex underwater more often.

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Don't tempt me, I need beer money.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.

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(516): View more from New York

I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(+61): View more from Australia

She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.

(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going for alcohol poisoning.

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(216): View more from Ohio

whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"

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(646): View more from New York

the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.

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(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.

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(360): View more from Washington

is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

(503): View more from Oregon

Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

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(303): View more from Colorado

New channing tatum movie.

(858): View more from California

I'll bring my vibrator.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(574): View more from Indiana

So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree

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(224): View more from Illinois

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(847): View more from Illinois

i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg

(1-613): View more from Ontario

so what did you do?

(613): View more from Ontario

I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!

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(209): View more from California

I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex

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(269): View more from Michigan

I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.

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(614): View more from Ohio

this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.

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(805): View more from California

Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters

(303): View more from Colorado

I can be that talented

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(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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(530): View more from California

I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(406): View more from Montana

I need a leather bustier to keep them in.

(925): View more from California

Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever

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(713): View more from Texas

then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate

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(573): View more from Missouri

This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed

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(208): View more from Idaho

opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?

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(845): View more from New York

he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(512): View more from Texas

At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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(503): View more from Oregon

The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.

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(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am

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(914): View more from New York

We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral

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(810): View more from Michigan

I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(618): View more from Illinois

Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(904): View more from Florida

i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.

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(661): View more from California

so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday

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(785): View more from Kansas

First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(513): View more from Ohio

there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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(949): View more from California

I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.

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(517): View more from Michigan

he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

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(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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(740): View more from Ohio

He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(718): View more from New York

Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it

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(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(435): View more from Utah

I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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(970): View more from Colorado

How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

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(949): View more from California

you made cement angels. it was a great sight.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day

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(281): View more from Texas

my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

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(850): View more from Florida

Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

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(513): View more from Ohio

she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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(936): View more from Texas

Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(970): View more from Colorado

she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(432): View more from Texas

From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(650): View more from California

I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

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(941): View more from Florida

my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.

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(720): View more from Colorado

just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton

(781): View more from Massachusetts

then i met college

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(949): View more from California

you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(941): View more from Florida

Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(773): View more from Illinois

Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Im watching someone hooking up in the library

(970): View more from Colorado

procrastination at its finest

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(518): View more from New York

wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(847): View more from Illinois

just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.

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(317): View more from Indiana

idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(785): View more from Kansas

The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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(818): View more from California

he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(801): View more from Utah

You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

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(718): View more from New York

walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(917): View more from New York City

just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous

(269): View more from Michigan

If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(773): View more from Illinois

not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

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(512): View more from Texas

They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

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(937): View more from Ohio

my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.

(785): View more from Kansas

I could make treat bags

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

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(561): View more from Florida

Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

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(647): View more from Ontario

Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

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(661): View more from California

is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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(+61): View more from Australia

This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade

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(765): View more from Indiana

i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

is drinking for groundhog day legit?

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(817): View more from Texas

this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real

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(985): View more from Louisiana

And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story

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(714): View more from California

Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros

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(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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(+81): View more from

I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.

(+61): View more from Australia

You're never coming back, are you?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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(979): View more from Texas

Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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(303): View more from Colorado

then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins

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(410): View more from Maryland

...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions

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(614): View more from Ohio

just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

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(917): View more from New York City

I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(912): View more from Georgia

an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks

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(815): View more from Illinois

$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

(212): View more from New York

Please take video.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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(315): View more from New York

You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.

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(682): View more from Texas

aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow

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(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(209): View more from California

His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.

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(310): View more from California

the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(706): View more from Georgia

rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots

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(212): View more from New York

I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(706): View more from Georgia

lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

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(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(440): View more from Ohio

I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(210): View more from Texas

Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

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(330): View more from Ohio

Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone

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(410): View more from Maryland

i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"

(913): View more from Kansas

did you yell "are you not entertained?"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this

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(209): View more from California

Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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(571): View more from Virginia

the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(571): View more from Virginia

he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(330): View more from Ohio

i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love

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(913): View more from Kansas

the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(708): View more from Illinois

she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.

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(251): View more from Alabama

She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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(905): View more from Toronto

We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

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(916): View more from California

she's into porn, im staying here tonight

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!

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(214): View more from Texas

My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.

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(248): View more from Michigan

apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Want any specific kind of beer?

(623): View more from Arizona

Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Got it. Anything but Miller.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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(847): View more from Illinois

Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party

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(207): View more from Maine

I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.

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(805): View more from California

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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(512): View more from Texas

got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule

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(530): View more from California

smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers

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(863): View more from Florida

During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(309): View more from Illinois

So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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(361): View more from Texas

Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??

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(907): View more from Alaska

The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

(907): View more from Alaska

Nevermind, it's not water.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(740): View more from Ohio

the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

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(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

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(646): View more from New York

lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact

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(209): View more from California

I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(904): View more from Florida

taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i just made my gag reflex go away.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

(614): View more from Ohio

We've got ourselves a situation

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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(415): View more from California

Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

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(541): View more from Oregon

at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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(214): View more from Texas

1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you

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(818): View more from California

That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(314): View more from Missouri

no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.

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(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm banging this nun...

(314): View more from Missouri

Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

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(818): View more from California

I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter

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(315): View more from New York

I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

(203): View more from Connecticut

For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

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(845): View more from New York

I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.

(845): View more from New York

Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(808): View more from Hawaii

dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

lock that shit down

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(607): View more from New York

he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

(313): View more from Michigan

at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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(214): View more from Texas

I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(419): View more from Ohio

her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(310): View more from California

u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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(432): View more from Texas

Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(541): View more from Oregon

we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

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(434): View more from Virginia

just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

(1-434): View more from Virginia

why is this not a picture message?!?!

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(847): View more from Illinois

All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college

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(620): View more from Kansas

How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(631): View more from New York

our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college

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(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(314): View more from Missouri

10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

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(678): View more from Georgia

Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(803): View more from South Carolina

What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(757): View more from Virginia

he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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(734): View more from Michigan

turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

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(212): View more from New York

I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(224): View more from Illinois

he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

can we take a shower together?

(901): View more from Tennessee

no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!

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(207): View more from Maine

She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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(214): View more from Texas

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

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(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs

(314): View more from Missouri

you don't even go to loyola anymore

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave

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(512): View more from Texas

you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...

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(407): View more from Florida

just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(301): View more from Maryland

in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

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(702): View more from Nevada

did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

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(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

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(716): View more from New York

a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz

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(503): View more from Oregon

She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.

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(708): View more from Illinois

blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(315): View more from New York

idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(301): View more from Maryland

we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing

(1-301): View more from Maryland

that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome

(301): View more from Maryland

we agree. completely

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(410): View more from Maryland

new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

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(214): View more from Texas

She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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(303): View more from Colorado

Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(408): View more from California

I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(512): View more from Texas

I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?

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(937): View more from Ohio

i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

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(561): View more from Florida

you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(678): View more from Georgia

yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.

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(757): View more from Virginia

sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(949): View more from California

She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(661): View more from California

May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

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(206): View more from Washington

he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

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(253): View more from Washington

She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

(919): View more from North Carolina

If you're joking I'm going to be sad

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This house was built for laser tag.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(310): View more from California

My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra

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(641): View more from Iowa

Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you guys were way drunker than both of me

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(240): View more from Maryland

taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(631): View more from New York

New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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(716): View more from New York

I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(949): View more from California

while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook

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(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(518): View more from New York

The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(253): View more from Washington

Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(518): View more from New York

I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(616): View more from Michigan

I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(757): View more from Virginia

my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.

(713): View more from Texas

what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her

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(913): View more from Kansas

No, drunk sperm still make babies.

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(513): View more from Ohio

the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

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(647): View more from Ontario

The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.

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(951): View more from California

Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!

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(980): View more from North Carolina

How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?

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(818): View more from California

She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.

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(408): View more from California

I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.

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(714): View more from California

thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.

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(404): View more from Georgia

what's for breakfast?

(678): View more from Georgia

Advil and throwup

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.

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(970): View more from Colorado

i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.

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(434): View more from Virginia

question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.

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(815): View more from Illinois

if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

no, didnt close...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...

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(208): View more from Idaho

just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she is the kim kardashian of front butts

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(410): View more from Maryland

operation have a gay friend backfired

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(440): View more from Ohio

he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.

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(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(734): View more from Michigan

we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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(703): View more from Virginia

tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.

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(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.

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(347): View more from New York

You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?

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(458): View more from Oregon

So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...

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(847): View more from Illinois

why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

saw you walking with that piece of shit

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

and that piece of shit just read that

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(207): View more from Maine

it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

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(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Farmville is her only friend.

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(989): View more from Michigan

you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

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(408): View more from California

i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.

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(206): View more from Washington

he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date

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(914): View more from New York

fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(956): View more from Texas

Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

brownberry?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(408): View more from California

So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have

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(260): View more from Indiana

i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?

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(714): View more from California

I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

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(916): View more from California

You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(971): View more from Oregon

:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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(917): View more from New York City

the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(905): View more from Toronto

Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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