I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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