i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
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