My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She told me I should be a condom model.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You coming home soon, man?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She bit a glass in half.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
porn star boner night. come get it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.