booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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