Texts From Last Night

Punk_Love's Favorites Texts:

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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.

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  (989): Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door. http://tfl.nu/7hia
  Replies (4) Good night (1011) Bad night (352) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.

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  (860): Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide. http://tfl.nu/fj39
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.

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  (561): I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree. http://tfl.nu/yxk6
  Replies (11) Good night (1158) Bad night (251) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk

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  (224): At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk http://tfl.nu/rjll
  Replies (3) Good night (712) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.

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  (817): Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry. http://tfl.nu/qgh9
  Replies (12) Good night (1903) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?

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  (740): Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom? http://tfl.nu/p5et
  Replies (9) Good night (998) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.

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  (516): Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper. http://tfl.nu/eehy
  Replies (8) Good night (1472) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?

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  (971): Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars? http://tfl.nu/yo90
  Replies (8) Good night (1078) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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  (613): I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex. http://tfl.nu/n2c2
  Replies (7) Good night (2397) Bad night (345)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though

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  (614): Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though http://tfl.nu/2fqg
  Replies (6) Good night (931) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.

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  (479): The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now. http://tfl.nu/1qaa
  Replies (4) Good night (1432) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  other than the jail part I had a really good time with you

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  (615): other than the jail part I had a really good time with you http://tfl.nu/dcut
  Replies (3) Good night (1465) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister

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  (615): I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister http://tfl.nu/e4ue
  Replies (6) Good night (1164) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.

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  (330): My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out. http://tfl.nu/tebu
  Replies (11) Good night (1199) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on

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  (508): Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on http://tfl.nu/0ff0
  Replies (8) Good night (834) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

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  (315): Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really http://tfl.nu/gifi
  Replies (4) Good night (1396) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Hahaha. That's funny.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship

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  (847): That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am (248): Hahaha. That's funny. (847): But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship http://tfl.nu/cr13
  Replies (6) Good night (2757) Bad night (268)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  that actually explains a lot

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  (847): you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night (1-847): that actually explains a lot http://tfl.nu/hgfk
  Replies (3) Good night (1279) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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  (616): At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head http://tfl.nu/if7o
  Replies (4) Good night (1265) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...

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  (713): I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year... http://tfl.nu/git3
  Replies (5) Good night (987) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

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  (310): OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS? http://tfl.nu/ewib
  Replies (14) Good night (1458) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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  (419): HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU. http://tfl.nu/87a2
  Replies (4) Good night (1833) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?

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  (561): We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us? http://tfl.nu/dqdu
  Replies (12) Good night (3466) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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  (310): She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked. http://tfl.nu/yes9
  Replies (13) Good night (4634) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?

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  (713): Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out? http://tfl.nu/0l6b
  Replies (7) Good night (1606) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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  (919): I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping. http://tfl.nu/iyfp
  Replies (10) Good night (1679) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (936): View more from Texas

  You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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  (936): You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me. http://tfl.nu/du0t
  Replies (13) Good night (3365) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

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  (608): He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks. http://tfl.nu/svc2
  Replies (14) Good night (1653) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

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  (+44): I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs. http://tfl.nu/qoq8
  Replies (7) Good night (2179) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.

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  (505): I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover. http://tfl.nu/48qz
  Replies (3) Good night (1364) Bad night (293) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

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  (715): I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs. http://tfl.nu/tciw
  Replies (3) Good night (1667) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs

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  (860): I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs http://tfl.nu/e3vg
  Replies (14) Good night (881) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  How was the party last night?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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  (310): How was the party last night? (314): There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it. http://tfl.nu/sxu8
  Replies (4) Good night (1497) Bad night (672)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler

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  (509): We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler http://tfl.nu/7vbk
  Replies (12) Good night (1182) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

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  (303): I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen. http://tfl.nu/li1t
  Replies (4) Good night (1678) Bad night (294)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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  (865): Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris" http://tfl.nu/5ny6
  Replies (6) Good night (1893) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?

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  (801): Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous? http://tfl.nu/yl4t
  Replies (8) Good night (1408) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.

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  (406): The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home. http://tfl.nu/zgt5
  Replies (11) Good night (2814) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.

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  (507): he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day. http://tfl.nu/m5g5
  Replies (4) Good night (1499) Bad night (288)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

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  (865): He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends. http://tfl.nu/ncfq
  Replies (7) Good night (2349) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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  (469): You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk. http://tfl.nu/g688
  Replies (2) Good night (1987) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level

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  (706): I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level http://tfl.nu/0mkf
  Replies (11) Good night (1134) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

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  (256): Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again. http://tfl.nu/e17o
  Replies (4) Good night (1842) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".

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  (713): You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress". http://tfl.nu/1fwn
  Replies (3) Good night (1024) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

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  (919): I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned. http://tfl.nu/aln7
  Replies (4) Good night (1590) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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  (919): she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE http://tfl.nu/jqwa
  Replies (18) Good night (3691) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.

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  (604): Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas. http://tfl.nu/feay
  Replies (11) Good night (1926) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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  (519): I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning (519): Omg I think I'm in the wrong class http://tfl.nu/znqx
  Replies (11) Good night (3407) Bad night (351)
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  (650): View more from California

  lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses

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  (650): lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses http://tfl.nu/4rg9
  Replies (10) Good night (958) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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  (253): There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs. http://tfl.nu/3p74
  Replies (21) Good night (4708) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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  (917): Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up. http://tfl.nu/5qka
  Replies (13) Good night (1674) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

  (1-707): View more from California

  You did like 8

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  (707): I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots (1-707): You did like 8 http://tfl.nu/2yf9
  Replies (6) Good night (2410) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.

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  (815): My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time. http://tfl.nu/dmh2
  Replies (9) Good night (2301) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.

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  (250): I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not. (250): A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop. http://tfl.nu/aiao
  Replies (13) Good night (1026) Bad night (480)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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  (785): Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid. http://tfl.nu/egf9
  Replies (7) Good night (1792) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster

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  (717): He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster http://tfl.nu/7ph6
  Replies (14) Good night (2065) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.

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  (709): I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April. http://tfl.nu/hy0p
  Replies (5) Good night (1184) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

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  (267): In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards. (267): You should probably take note of that and make it happen. http://tfl.nu/k5f3
  Replies (22) Good night (2346) Bad night (370)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.

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  (870): Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl. http://tfl.nu/m2u6
  Replies (21) Good night (2165) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose

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  (216): I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose http://tfl.nu/hd86
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"

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  (443): I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts" http://tfl.nu/m25q
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  (213): View more from California

  My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."

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  (213): My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie." http://tfl.nu/jevy
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.

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  (919): It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn. http://tfl.nu/o70k
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.

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  (847): Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat. http://tfl.nu/qyw3
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  (+04): View more from

  I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.

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  (+04): I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs. http://tfl.nu/iwem
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I will cut you

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Put that in perspective

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  (423): I will cut you (1-423): Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me (423): Put that in perspective http://tfl.nu/op5b
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.

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  (815): I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost. http://tfl.nu/ucyv
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  How did it go last night?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?

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  (416): How did it go last night? (647): Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad? http://tfl.nu/bq72
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  (916): View more from California

  Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home

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  (916): Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home http://tfl.nu/dlwc
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it

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  (815): Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it http://tfl.nu/8nv8
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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  (207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight http://tfl.nu/6sqo
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  (925): View more from California

  I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

  (1-925): View more from California

  We just have a real special relationship.

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  (925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar. (1-925): We just have a real special relationship. http://tfl.nu/gnex
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.

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  (604): I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag. http://tfl.nu/nwen
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right

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  (515): nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right http://tfl.nu/dqke
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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  (+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!" http://tfl.nu/eeqt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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  (513): Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"? (505): yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win. http://tfl.nu/lwrt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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  (386): I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness http://tfl.nu/l65r
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

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  (901): Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic. http://tfl.nu/8z3j
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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  (928): I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone. http://tfl.nu/zx3z
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet

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  (812): He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet http://tfl.nu/4ir7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.

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  (570): Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least. http://tfl.nu/etpi
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years

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  (315): Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years http://tfl.nu/qjp6
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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  (401): I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again http://tfl.nu/o3kd
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang

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  (412): I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang http://tfl.nu/dtxk
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  (425): View more from Washington

  we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years

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  (425): we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years http://tfl.nu/w11g
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.

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  (570): I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk. http://tfl.nu/mwln
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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  (443): My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love. http://tfl.nu/12sb
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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  (678): I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j7y2
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  (509): View more from Washington

  i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron

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  (509): i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron http://tfl.nu/ihph
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?

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  (615): Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ? http://tfl.nu/0u6g
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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  (507): you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now http://tfl.nu/xehl
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

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  (717): Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment. http://tfl.nu/vmb7
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  (949): View more from California

  He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.

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  (949): He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men. http://tfl.nu/p93f
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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  (724): I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported. http://tfl.nu/ojxl
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...

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  (401): Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him... http://tfl.nu/2jr7
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

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  (248): Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents. http://tfl.nu/4qnq
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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  (641): Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone http://tfl.nu/y7a4
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

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  (910): Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely. (770): That's the only definition of lonely that I know. http://tfl.nu/dtij
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  (425): View more from Washington

  My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?

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  (425): My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities? http://tfl.nu/eeu5
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.

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  (931): Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult. http://tfl.nu/v17w
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.

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  (973): I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst. http://tfl.nu/4se8
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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  (319): Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away? http://tfl.nu/h2kh
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  (646): View more from New York

  There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Delicious

  (646): View more from New York

  I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.

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  (646): There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table. (917): Delicious (646): I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt. http://tfl.nu/gs74
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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  (847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome. http://tfl.nu/h8r4
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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  (352): I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas. http://tfl.nu/mxts
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

  (713): View more from Texas

  So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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  (832): The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house (713): So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh? http://tfl.nu/xori
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

  (216): View more from Ohio

  There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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  (216): I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit (216): There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash. http://tfl.nu/emo5
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.

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  (819): The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons. http://tfl.nu/84qu
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  (650): View more from California

  I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.

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  (650): I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever. http://tfl.nu/x84m
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

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  (613): New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple. http://tfl.nu/c07n
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (770): you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why. (678): THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/cex4
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  (408): View more from California

  She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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  (408): She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety http://tfl.nu/edsh
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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  (952): So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious (781): Oh my god you need to get off of facebook. http://tfl.nu/ws52
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  (325): View more from Texas

  You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.

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  (325): You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt. http://tfl.nu/r2sr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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  (317): Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina. http://tfl.nu/djvg
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

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  (520): you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab http://tfl.nu/m7xl
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.

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  (216): Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself. http://tfl.nu/3gaw
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.

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  (812): It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind. http://tfl.nu/4evb
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You almost married that.

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  (412): Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower. (1-412): You almost married that. http://tfl.nu/nlo1
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  (214): View more from Texas

  you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

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  (214): you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more. http://tfl.nu/8xes
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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  (312): I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks. (224): Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however. http://tfl.nu/lo15
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating

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  (330): He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating http://tfl.nu/fig2
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.

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  (240): I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop. http://tfl.nu/iw16
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You might as well just give her the money now.

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  (814): Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it. (610): You might as well just give her the money now. http://tfl.nu/i76w
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.

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  (732): i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is. http://tfl.nu/s7zh
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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  (435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed. http://tfl.nu/zk8r
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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  (931): I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then. http://tfl.nu/2mcz
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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  (704): They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating http://tfl.nu/axfv
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I can't believe he cheated

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

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  (860): I can't believe he cheated (1-860): Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how http://tfl.nu/8j5c
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  Perfectly normal.

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  (440): Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?" (1-440): Perfectly normal. http://tfl.nu/lsmy
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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  (248): you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits http://tfl.nu/vmd3
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?

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  (704): HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES? http://tfl.nu/cu3x
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  (565): View more from

  It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

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  (565): It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/u0lc
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  (315): View more from New York

  I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you

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  (315): I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you http://tfl.nu/9k47
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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  (978): IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES. http://tfl.nu/cxji
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.

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  (765): He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26. http://tfl.nu/98vv
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame

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  (724): i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame http://tfl.nu/h4cx
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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  (608): But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full! (715): I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering. http://tfl.nu/shs1
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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  (856): I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog. http://tfl.nu/f78e
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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  (862): I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you? http://tfl.nu/xnnk
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal

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  (224): Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal http://tfl.nu/8wqr
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took

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  (780): Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took http://tfl.nu/mwwf
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.

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  (904): Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental. http://tfl.nu/zhtp
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard

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  (519): You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard http://tfl.nu/bgm2
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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  (256): Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier. http://tfl.nu/oxri
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.

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  (304): I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud. http://tfl.nu/1ldm
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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  (409): Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall? http://tfl.nu/ymbz
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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  (919): No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you. http://tfl.nu/9kp9
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  (949): View more from California

  Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.

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  (949): Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits. http://tfl.nu/xzwv
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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  (816): no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help. http://tfl.nu/7acp
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

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  (507): I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!) http://tfl.nu/tvr2
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  (415): View more from California

  I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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  (415): I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW. http://tfl.nu/hy3p
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd

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  (301): he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd http://tfl.nu/beck
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.

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  (248): You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/57rh
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  (914): View more from New York

  The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

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  (914): The ice cream man just told me to use protection. http://tfl.nu/w7kz
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.

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  (206): Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life. http://tfl.nu/nb15
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

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  (717): I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets. http://tfl.nu/exmx
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  (850): View more from Florida

  No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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  (850): No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status..... http://tfl.nu/5hnt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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  (678): I'll always be here to give you immoral support. http://tfl.nu/ss89
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

  (207): View more from Maine

  HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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  (785): MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped. (207): HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME. http://tfl.nu/4n05
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"

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  (201): After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph" http://tfl.nu/ju46
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  (954): View more from Florida

  The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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  (954): The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now http://tfl.nu/qowj
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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  (734): Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out. http://tfl.nu/s89t
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  (509): View more from Washington

  And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

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  (509): And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid http://tfl.nu/oqc1
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  (360): View more from Washington

  DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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  (360): DIN'T JUSGE NE. http://tfl.nu/13q1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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  (678): I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation... (404): I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud. http://tfl.nu/9qj8
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

  (941): View more from Florida

  it was a krispy kreme

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  (609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743
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  (713): View more from Texas

  screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.

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  (713): screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude. http://tfl.nu/sk5p
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina

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  (610): Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina http://tfl.nu/hqzz
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him

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  (202): when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him http://tfl.nu/8eei
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.

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  (610): 90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you. http://tfl.nu/qiqv
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though

  (289): View more from Ontario

  Lolll I'll be sleeping

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.

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  (905): I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though (289): Lolll I'll be sleeping (905): I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town. http://tfl.nu/s1jf
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.

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  (701): From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend. http://tfl.nu/i20e
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!

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  (817): Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?! http://tfl.nu/9bqy
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.

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  (913): Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry. http://tfl.nu/57v9
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team

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  (513): hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team http://tfl.nu/e17f
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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  (402): So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October" http://tfl.nu/8ift
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  (956): View more from Texas

  He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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  (956): He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type... http://tfl.nu/bma2
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  (713): View more from Texas

  His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.

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  (713): His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life. http://tfl.nu/34re
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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  (616): I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood. http://tfl.nu/i8nf
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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  (832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it. http://tfl.nu/3ywv
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck

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  (773): They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck http://tfl.nu/dsuf
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  (409): View more from Texas

  You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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  (409): You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you. http://tfl.nu/firf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.

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  (847): couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner. http://tfl.nu/srex
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.

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  (210): Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night. http://tfl.nu/uzh8
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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  (732): yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing" http://tfl.nu/qoaq
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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  (+44): he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?! http://tfl.nu/a2n2
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.

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  (781): Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in. http://tfl.nu/jeg6
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

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  (270): You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money." http://tfl.nu/lp5j
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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  (908): i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend. http://tfl.nu/myz5
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

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  (425): I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid. http://tfl.nu/1sxi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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  (603): You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet" http://tfl.nu/9891
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

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  (407): You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that. http://tfl.nu/dvk8
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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  (715): I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it. http://tfl.nu/u4wc
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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  (256): Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO. http://tfl.nu/k62i
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

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  (303): Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional. (970): Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?" http://tfl.nu/doci
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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  (217): You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice. http://tfl.nu/09lg
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

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  (732): why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos? http://tfl.nu/di91
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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  (613): Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi. http://tfl.nu/hd9g
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.

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  (734): I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now. http://tfl.nu/ty03
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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  (314): The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight http://tfl.nu/sdqv
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  (210): View more from Texas

  She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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  (210): She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream," http://tfl.nu/rf9x
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  (425): View more from Washington

  She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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  (425): She's clinging to me like a horny koala. http://tfl.nu/a9hq
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  (626): View more from California

  He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

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  (626): He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex. http://tfl.nu/kqx4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

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  (612): i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning. http://tfl.nu/nqu5
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

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  (623): My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here. http://tfl.nu/yssz
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  (801): View more from Utah

  If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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  (801): If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy... http://tfl.nu/s54g
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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  (225): You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night. http://tfl.nu/uygn
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.

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  (+64): I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked. http://tfl.nu/59qo
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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  (406): I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works." http://tfl.nu/3ym3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

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  (405): She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after? http://tfl.nu/ibkm
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  (562): View more from California

  I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

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  (562): I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical. http://tfl.nu/qbx3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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  (203): Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being. http://tfl.nu/247a
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  (661): View more from California

  u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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  (661): u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom http://tfl.nu/4j5d
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  (619): View more from California

  Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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  (619): Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck http://tfl.nu/s9r0
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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  (603): Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines http://tfl.nu/hhep
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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  (318): When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias http://tfl.nu/7mik
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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  (937): Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship? http://tfl.nu/9ufc
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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  (248): I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is http://tfl.nu/r4l9
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  (510): View more from California

  He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?

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  (510): He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast? http://tfl.nu/9c24
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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  (410): Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style. http://tfl.nu/gn5p
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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  (403): My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind. http://tfl.nu/y5d8
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  "bouncy castle"

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  (919): what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl" (1-919): "bouncy castle" http://tfl.nu/3vde
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

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  (203): We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE http://tfl.nu/bmko
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  (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

  I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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  (340): I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen. http://tfl.nu/cees
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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  (724): Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex. http://tfl.nu/opu2
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

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  (757): I believe some people would call last night an orgy. http://tfl.nu/5qwc
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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  (352): I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern. http://tfl.nu/54kf
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  So squirting runs in the family.

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  (603): So squirting runs in the family. http://tfl.nu/x29o
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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  (775): Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls (702): Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter http://tfl.nu/jyvi
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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  (513): 2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless. http://tfl.nu/7smn
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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  (610): Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it. http://tfl.nu/tp8b
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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  (813): Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b. http://tfl.nu/ahce
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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  (720): Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon http://tfl.nu/1u8n
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  (409): View more from Texas

  You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

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  (409): You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate. http://tfl.nu/kfhp
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.

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  (678): Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job. http://tfl.nu/5ogs
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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  (773): I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming. http://tfl.nu/u6dn
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  (406): View more from Montana

  you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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  (406): you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College" http://tfl.nu/x9bo
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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  (812): I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking. http://tfl.nu/z4xo
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.

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  (617): Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex. http://tfl.nu/9jjl
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  (607): View more from New York

  I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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  (607): I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex. http://tfl.nu/9fy5
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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  (210): If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever. http://tfl.nu/5js7
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  (239): View more from Florida

  dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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  (239): dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me. http://tfl.nu/b0dd
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both

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  (919): I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both http://tfl.nu/fi30
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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  (256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Does it taste like semen?

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  (972): I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it. (214): Does it taste like semen? http://tfl.nu/qasv
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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  (412): Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after http://tfl.nu/0llh
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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  (519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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  (732): Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after. http://tfl.nu/ay86
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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  (919): Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again? http://tfl.nu/p959
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  (805): View more from California

  I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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  (805): I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something. http://tfl.nu/b077
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Come over. Drunk tacos.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  That isn't even a sentence.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I kept the important parts.

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  (214): Come over. Drunk tacos. (1-214): That isn't even a sentence. (214): I kept the important parts. http://tfl.nu/2pq0
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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  (407): I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity. http://tfl.nu/5ec6
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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  (260): His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too. http://tfl.nu/ej6j
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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  (504): Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed. http://tfl.nu/fl8o
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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  (717): he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys. http://tfl.nu/b5qg
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  (925): View more from California

  she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

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  (925): she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob" http://tfl.nu/t96e
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  (512): View more from Texas

  we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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  (512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja http://tfl.nu/0h0h
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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  (317): So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it http://tfl.nu/80uu
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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  (715): I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today. http://tfl.nu/aa1v
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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  (708): we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love http://tfl.nu/30hf
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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  (207): I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7 http://tfl.nu/thj7
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
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  (903): View more from Texas

  EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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  (903): EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT http://tfl.nu/usnf
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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  (780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5
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  (516): View more from New York

  Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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  (516): Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back. http://tfl.nu/h2g1
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
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  (707): View more from California

  He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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  (707): He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ve7z
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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  (484): Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar. http://tfl.nu/31fg
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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  (403): Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend http://tfl.nu/6ul7
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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  (228): you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out. http://tfl.nu/9xp5
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  oh. my. god. yes.

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  (360): i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life. (1-360): oh. my. god. yes. http://tfl.nu/jrnd
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.

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  (513): My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked. http://tfl.nu/x6u7
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics

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  (513): i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics http://tfl.nu/sgxc
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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  (513): she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead." http://tfl.nu/j1dy
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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  (513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

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  (513): He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him http://tfl.nu/bwdr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.

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  (513): he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk. http://tfl.nu/epms
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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  (513): He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like? http://tfl.nu/ctij
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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  (513): So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand. http://tfl.nu/k6dt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.

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  (513): We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case. http://tfl.nu/f3uf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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  (513): he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden http://tfl.nu/xsqd
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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  (513): And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool. http://tfl.nu/hylh
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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  (513): The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon http://tfl.nu/vuj3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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  (513): walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am http://tfl.nu/e35n
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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  (513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day

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  (513): Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day http://tfl.nu/hc9r
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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  (513): He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay http://tfl.nu/cp59
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would

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  (513): If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would http://tfl.nu/dfsx
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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  (513): hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it" http://tfl.nu/04ug
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.

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  (513): I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food. http://tfl.nu/mdny
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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  (513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity. http://tfl.nu/ob6h
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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  (513): I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered. http://tfl.nu/5t2g
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  (310): View more from California

  He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday

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  (310): He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday http://tfl.nu/b2jq
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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  (310): I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in. http://tfl.nu/n54h
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  (310): View more from California

  He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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  (310): He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone http://tfl.nu/3ij4
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  (310): View more from California

  He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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  (310): He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna http://tfl.nu/tldl
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  (310): View more from California

  I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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  (310): I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub http://tfl.nu/zgaw
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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  (250): I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/p0ju
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  (415): View more from California

  She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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  (415): She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer. http://tfl.nu/gibc
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  (817): View more from Texas

  His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

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  (817): His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart http://tfl.nu/4nfy
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

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  (316): I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/8zh1
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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  (206): My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town http://tfl.nu/phfq
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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  (734): We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing." http://tfl.nu/cqut
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  (518): View more from New York

  plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

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  (518): plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/e2rh
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

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  (850): You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism. http://tfl.nu/m7x4
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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  (816): My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis. http://tfl.nu/3uql
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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  (203): I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis. http://tfl.nu/m2ek
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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  (513): He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets. http://tfl.nu/5i0f
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
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  (509): View more from Washington

  i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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  (509): i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it http://tfl.nu/wiu8
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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  (503): Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/p6bz
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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  (815): I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me http://tfl.nu/9tpu
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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  (804): I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working... http://tfl.nu/tuy1
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  (+03): View more from

  Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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  (+03): Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here' http://tfl.nu/86hi
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  (512): View more from Texas

  When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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  (512): When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man http://tfl.nu/fxmb
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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  (+44): Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand. http://tfl.nu/fdqs
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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  (412): I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not. http://tfl.nu/jtsf
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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  (913): Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now http://tfl.nu/wp4u
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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  (402): Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake. http://tfl.nu/294d
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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  (409): Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me. http://tfl.nu/r0oo
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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  (901): I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck. http://tfl.nu/z7fe
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  (916): View more from California

  craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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  (916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in? http://tfl.nu/76bu
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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  (618): Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout. http://tfl.nu/q2nt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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  (269): Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus. http://tfl.nu/d22v
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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  (703): She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis (1-703): Every man deserves at least one moment like that http://tfl.nu/aq3j
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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  (417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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  (310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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  (337): Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times. http://tfl.nu/ao6t
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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  (504): I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina. http://tfl.nu/1q7d
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow

  (1-785): View more from Kansas

  why would you restrict a girl of that

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  (785): coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow (1-785): why would you restrict a girl of that http://tfl.nu/flyl
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

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  (832): Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares http://tfl.nu/x7b2
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.

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  (816): He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP. http://tfl.nu/4ge4
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

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  (217): it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex. http://tfl.nu/bdfn
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  (949): View more from California

  he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

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  (949): he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say" http://tfl.nu/b497
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.

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  (301): just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month. http://tfl.nu/ntmv
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  (415): View more from California

  i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again

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  (415): i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again http://tfl.nu/roxu
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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  (903): He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/h56s
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.

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  (615): i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver. http://tfl.nu/x8br
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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  (219): ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference... http://tfl.nu/jx5w
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...

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  (205): he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off... http://tfl.nu/kran
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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  (856): we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon" http://tfl.nu/pn3g
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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  (843): I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower. http://tfl.nu/3pc6
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

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  (262): You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk. http://tfl.nu/u9t6
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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  (636): i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend http://tfl.nu/jil2
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  (707): View more from California

  I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet

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  (707): I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet http://tfl.nu/0aqf
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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  (303): I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away http://tfl.nu/qpjo
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  (716): View more from New York

  come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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  (716): come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk! http://tfl.nu/py4j
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  (406): View more from Montana

  To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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  (406): To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved. http://tfl.nu/shxy
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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  (217): I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister. http://tfl.nu/65yp
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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  (978): he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/bshy
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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  (404): Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night http://tfl.nu/nrlr
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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  (417): Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"? http://tfl.nu/n06e
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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  (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses. http://tfl.nu/pr98
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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  (520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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  (413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her. http://tfl.nu/r8ko
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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  (704): He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him. http://tfl.nu/wgyi
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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  (513): i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week. http://tfl.nu/8le3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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  (203): Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast. http://tfl.nu/5wgc
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (894): View more from

  just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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  (894): just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit http://tfl.nu/2422
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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  (732): His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.' http://tfl.nu/onxp
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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  (336): They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays. http://tfl.nu/wrv2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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  (508): Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day. http://tfl.nu/pq24
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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  (541): Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid. http://tfl.nu/2ym3
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.

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  (423): it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise. http://tfl.nu/943e
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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  (248): Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning? http://tfl.nu/u220
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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  (205): Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here. http://tfl.nu/viom
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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  (928): She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/gi6e
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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  (402): I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew. http://tfl.nu/1b9c
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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  (952): So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building http://tfl.nu/qsqb
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

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  (480): A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it. http://tfl.nu/wob5
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

  (415): View more from California

  shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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  (231): I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence (415): shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy. http://tfl.nu/3ya6
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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  (785): Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites http://tfl.nu/fquq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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  (207): He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ. http://tfl.nu/rtl1
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  (415): View more from California

  I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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  (415): I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number? http://tfl.nu/po3x
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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  (316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts. http://tfl.nu/ngvo
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  (315): View more from New York

  Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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  (315): Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet. http://tfl.nu/7a74
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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  (517): I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall... http://tfl.nu/myki
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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  (207): I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet http://tfl.nu/5wz6
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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  (815): I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport http://tfl.nu/v33c
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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  (720): Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids http://tfl.nu/b5v5
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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  (214): I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused." http://tfl.nu/qcvq
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  (585): View more from New York

  i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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  (585): i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair? http://tfl.nu/daid
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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  (603): this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with. http://tfl.nu/tzze
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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  (406): I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense http://tfl.nu/qajt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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  (512): Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor. http://tfl.nu/9a3p
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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  (+44): 24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good. http://tfl.nu/55h0
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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  (480): From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him. http://tfl.nu/9mdh
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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  (817): Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside" http://tfl.nu/md9m
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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  (317): Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good. http://tfl.nu/6afw
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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  (970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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  (732): I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/e3sn
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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  (404): I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE. http://tfl.nu/pyvt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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  (352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house? http://tfl.nu/bc2r
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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  (501): SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD. http://tfl.nu/21ls
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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  (774): i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness" http://tfl.nu/ogi9
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico

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  (313): hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico http://tfl.nu/p58l
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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  (920): She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off. http://tfl.nu/r6m3
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.

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  (865): It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14. http://tfl.nu/nc65
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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  (307): I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom." http://tfl.nu/5uyu
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  (661): View more from California

  Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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  (661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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  (936): Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/amif
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  (914): View more from New York

  all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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  (914): all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is http://tfl.nu/2h7o
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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  (719): tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me. http://tfl.nu/76by
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  (818): View more from California

  Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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  (818): Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob http://tfl.nu/xjl4
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"

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  (847): And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!" http://tfl.nu/eczk
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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  (512): I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub. http://tfl.nu/cojk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

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  (248): i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you http://tfl.nu/cx5a
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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  (503): Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake. http://tfl.nu/amef
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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  (270): I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy. http://tfl.nu/gapv
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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  (703): He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle. http://tfl.nu/3luk
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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  (256): No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/gby7
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  (310): View more from California

  If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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  (310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp
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  (310): View more from California

  It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

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  (310): It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer. http://tfl.nu/9xay
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (310): View more from California

  ...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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  (310): ...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately." http://tfl.nu/g8d2
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  (310): View more from California

  You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

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  (310): You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila. http://tfl.nu/3egv
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  (310): View more from California

  If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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  (310): If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is http://tfl.nu/w3co
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  (310): View more from California

  he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed

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  (310): he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed http://tfl.nu/t2n3
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  (310): View more from California

  she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.

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  (310): she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again. http://tfl.nu/4ycr
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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  (217): Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship. http://tfl.nu/eyj6
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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  (256): do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?! http://tfl.nu/1fx5
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  (716): View more from New York

  He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.

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  (716): He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves. http://tfl.nu/0275
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  (714): View more from California

  Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

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  (714): Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex? http://tfl.nu/9pxt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.

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  (412): She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing. http://tfl.nu/dwve
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.

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  (703): yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks. http://tfl.nu/ahni
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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  (814): Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever http://tfl.nu/615b
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

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  (954): I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!" http://tfl.nu/l7rl
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

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  (309): I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season. http://tfl.nu/pxkc
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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  (913): Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun. http://tfl.nu/h48x
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

  (213): View more from California

  so that means christmas in space?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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  (781): my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop (213): so that means christmas in space? (781): imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi http://tfl.nu/5ssx
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip

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  (703): drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip http://tfl.nu/b5at
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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  (859): Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours. http://tfl.nu/gzj7
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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  (505): i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you http://tfl.nu/pwks
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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  (402): You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes. http://tfl.nu/0q3l
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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  (734): Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages... http://tfl.nu/0g83
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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  (412): He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick http://tfl.nu/s4cq
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  (406): View more from Montana

  It was just a squirrel

  (253): View more from Washington

  You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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  (406): It was just a squirrel (253): You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar http://tfl.nu/smls
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  (917): View more from New York City

  and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.

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  (917): and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower. http://tfl.nu/wwsw
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  (209): View more from California

  Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas

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  (209): Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas http://tfl.nu/u2nh
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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  (715): I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk. http://tfl.nu/tfhs
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.

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  (810): people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart. http://tfl.nu/4ahf
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.

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  (412): well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm. http://tfl.nu/hugj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.

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  (512): He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay. http://tfl.nu/se3r
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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  (317): If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation. http://tfl.nu/ifsj
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

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  (937): Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes? http://tfl.nu/r1tf
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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  (504): Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag? http://tfl.nu/x8h9
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you

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  (712): I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you http://tfl.nu/qvrh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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  (617): My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning. http://tfl.nu/kt95
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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  (360): I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/rwph
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  (805): View more from California

  he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.

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  (805): he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop. http://tfl.nu/2w6b
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  (253): View more from Washington

  These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency

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  (253): These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency http://tfl.nu/qlw6
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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  (860): I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday. http://tfl.nu/lawx
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.

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  (402): Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job. http://tfl.nu/cd1b
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  (607): View more from New York

  I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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  (607): I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked. http://tfl.nu/x6mr
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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  (860): She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit. http://tfl.nu/aa9j
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

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  (571): I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet. http://tfl.nu/230n
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

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  (252): just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far. http://tfl.nu/f1u5
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood

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  (440): I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood http://tfl.nu/gvot
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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  (503): gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb http://tfl.nu/zgfq
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"

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  (954): I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!" http://tfl.nu/pxgz
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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  (405): I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning. http://tfl.nu/v1az
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.

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  (724): noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success. http://tfl.nu/klpq
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  (425): View more from Washington

  she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

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  (425): she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco. http://tfl.nu/8uv1
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  (425): View more from Washington

  They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"

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  (425): They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!" http://tfl.nu/9fc7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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  (203): she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever. http://tfl.nu/jt2o
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

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  (215): If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from. http://tfl.nu/hl9i
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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  (970): At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name http://tfl.nu/d4zs
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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  (847): just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain". http://tfl.nu/ukpa
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.

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  (580): Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it. http://tfl.nu/0iyi
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.

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  (614): There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs. http://tfl.nu/ysqt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

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  (802): Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator. http://tfl.nu/tdtw
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.

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  (513): Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team. http://tfl.nu/vssn
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.

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  (518): I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved. http://tfl.nu/p0e0
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.

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  (216): Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades. http://tfl.nu/zsau
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.

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  (570): I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy. http://tfl.nu/0avy
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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  (919): you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt. http://tfl.nu/2jv4
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  (925): View more from California

  First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.

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  (925): First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me. http://tfl.nu/pldx
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.

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  (802): She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up. http://tfl.nu/8mdh
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

  (509): View more from Washington

  You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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  (303): Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it? (509): You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge. http://tfl.nu/hjyd
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  (207): View more from Maine

  A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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  (207): A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card. http://tfl.nu/ujy9
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don`t remember Saturday, actually

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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  (604): I don`t remember Saturday, actually (1-604): Its ok, i dont remember 2007 http://tfl.nu/egxh
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  (818): View more from California

  At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

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  (818): At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis. http://tfl.nu/iwbw
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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  (937): Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me. http://tfl.nu/l4zf
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.

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  (720): She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole. http://tfl.nu/92ru
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden

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  (617): Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden http://tfl.nu/88jg
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..

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  (781): You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet.. http://tfl.nu/rd8s
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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  (630): I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible. http://tfl.nu/8o92
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  (858): View more from California

  I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.

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  (858): I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project. http://tfl.nu/6v94
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

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  (575): So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation? http://tfl.nu/oofw
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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  (443): Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER. http://tfl.nu/iqvs
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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  (704): Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people. http://tfl.nu/g4iv
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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  (518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire. http://tfl.nu/37qo
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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  (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position http://tfl.nu/vjj2
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  (407): View more from Florida

  she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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  (407): she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store http://tfl.nu/25ph
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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  (770): his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning http://tfl.nu/bect
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  (813): View more from Florida

  y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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  (813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all. http://tfl.nu/2iln
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  (445): View more from Pennsylvania

  We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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  (445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off http://tfl.nu/9bxu
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
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  (916): View more from California

  my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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  (916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
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  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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  (407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. http://tfl.nu/ndz5
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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  (540): my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited. http://tfl.nu/8ftm
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  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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  (940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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  (303): I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number. http://tfl.nu/465z
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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  (781): today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby. http://tfl.nu/f0c2
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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  (601): having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things http://tfl.nu/w4id
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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  (250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom? http://tfl.nu/cirg
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  youve hit the jackpot

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  (540): she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out (803): youve hit the jackpot http://tfl.nu/tr3l
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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  (908): Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner. http://tfl.nu/otz7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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  (248): New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people. http://tfl.nu/cghq
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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  (715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win. http://tfl.nu/jyaa
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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  (630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important http://tfl.nu/7wts
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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  (260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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  (708): Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight? http://tfl.nu/wnvq
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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  (678): while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/huje
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Banned from zoo.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Again?

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  (240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w
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  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
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  (904): View more from Florida

  When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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  (904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit" http://tfl.nu/bodh
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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  (765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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  (401): how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards? http://tfl.nu/ktqz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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  (617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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  (206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack.. http://tfl.nu/nf69
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

  (1-931): View more from Tennessee

  Wtf? What happened?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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  (931): Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other. (1-931): Wtf? What happened? (931): Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home. http://tfl.nu/q0zo
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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  (647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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  (407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything." http://tfl.nu/1ue8
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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  (706): I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face. http://tfl.nu/e8qy
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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  (917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him http://tfl.nu/5c6r
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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  (912): just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart http://tfl.nu/ug8y
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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  (865): is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend? http://tfl.nu/lq8q
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Walk of Shame time yet?

  (1+44): View more from

  Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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  (+44): Walk of Shame time yet? (1+44): Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling? http://tfl.nu/qcn9
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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  (781): my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special http://tfl.nu/2mea
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (607): View more from New York

  haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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  (607): haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook. http://tfl.nu/7oed
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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  (215): he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles http://tfl.nu/ya5r
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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  (517): New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause http://tfl.nu/0zau
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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  (919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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  (703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband http://tfl.nu/pijn
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
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  (831): View more from California

  just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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  (831): just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf http://tfl.nu/faeb
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

  (801): View more from Utah

  alright see you in the morning.

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  (801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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  (919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day. http://tfl.nu/2twt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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  (423): my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg http://tfl.nu/cjr9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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  (404): I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head. http://tfl.nu/lfdj
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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  (808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd
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  (714): View more from California

  we're chasing vodka with high fives

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  (714): we're chasing vodka with high fives http://tfl.nu/2m9s
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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  (612): My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome! http://tfl.nu/2tqo
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  (516): View more from New York

  my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.

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  (516): my mother just offered to pay for my fake id. http://tfl.nu/7t8s
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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  (812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean? http://tfl.nu/84o9
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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  (732): he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/xvk7
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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  (630): She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/xep7
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (631): View more from New York

  im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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  (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (845): View more from New York

  She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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  (845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex". http://tfl.nu/cd1v
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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  (703): we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints. http://tfl.nu/3trl
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (845): View more from New York

  I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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  (845): I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!" http://tfl.nu/kl2h
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
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  (347): View more from New York

  I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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  (347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth. http://tfl.nu/tax7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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  (203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you http://tfl.nu/8puo
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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  (313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale. http://tfl.nu/y4yj
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

  (904): View more from Florida

  not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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  (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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  (847): So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be http://tfl.nu/8bju
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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  (+44): I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back http://tfl.nu/kyt1
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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  (252): I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME. http://tfl.nu/1mf6
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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  (703): I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you? http://tfl.nu/lfio
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  (917): View more from New York City

  half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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  (917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country. http://tfl.nu/tafy
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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  (678): I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts. http://tfl.nu/4sqd
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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  (973): They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it. http://tfl.nu/8sm7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
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  (559): View more from California

  I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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  (559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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  (214): She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love http://tfl.nu/tjul
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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  (773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal http://tfl.nu/usjw
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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  (828): proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing. http://tfl.nu/uzza
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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  (425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice. http://tfl.nu/fg4t
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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  (508): just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over http://tfl.nu/74b2
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  (760): View more from California

  I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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  (760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs. http://tfl.nu/67s4
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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  (410): I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever? http://tfl.nu/67g4
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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  (705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence http://tfl.nu/779y
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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  (248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win. http://tfl.nu/almv
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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  (734): Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom http://tfl.nu/itfy
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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  (908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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  (905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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  (636): Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half. http://tfl.nu/fs6e
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  (916): View more from California

  So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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  (916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off? http://tfl.nu/zq3l
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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  (202): I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand http://tfl.nu/1ole
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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  (817): he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet... http://tfl.nu/na2h
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  (559): View more from California

  Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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  (559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated

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  (603): I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated http://tfl.nu/wizt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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  (937): how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on? http://tfl.nu/yug9
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  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.

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  (330): He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours. http://tfl.nu/wqf0
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  (951): View more from California

  she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.

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  (951): she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked. http://tfl.nu/fnf4
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  (310): View more from California

  His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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  (310): His dick was poking my bladder. That big... http://tfl.nu/xupw
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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  (502): Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat. http://tfl.nu/hdie
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.

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  (440): i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me. http://tfl.nu/a0ta
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.

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  (970): I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more. http://tfl.nu/19ra
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  (914): View more from New York

  i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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  (914): i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/xwvv
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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  (480): He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again http://tfl.nu/s0mc
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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  (319): We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30" http://tfl.nu/oadk
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.

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  (708): I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored. http://tfl.nu/z508
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

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  (210): Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened. http://tfl.nu/7jhi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce

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  (603): Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce http://tfl.nu/x8zt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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  (616): Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this. http://tfl.nu/uew9
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  (619): View more from California

  Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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  (619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.

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  (636): The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen. http://tfl.nu/0t44
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  (718): View more from New York

  Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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  (718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.

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  (440): He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am. http://tfl.nu/6rv7
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.

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  (641): Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in. http://tfl.nu/co4b
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  (347): View more from New York

  just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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  (347): just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner http://tfl.nu/v9ac
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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  (610): Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can http://tfl.nu/8h8s
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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  (+61): we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry. http://tfl.nu/qm28
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  (254): View more from Texas

  His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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  (254): His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!! http://tfl.nu/05kd
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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  (541): She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets... http://tfl.nu/jeys
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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  (330): I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break http://tfl.nu/u8kr
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  (323): View more from California

  Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me

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  (323): Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me http://tfl.nu/d8jq
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  (323): View more from California

  Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak

  (1-323): View more from California

  I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole

  (1-323): View more from California

  She's blonde

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  (323): Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak (1-323): I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole (1-323): She's blonde http://tfl.nu/vvom
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  (323): View more from California

  You know you want to come over later

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:27a: Um no

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:45a: Maybe

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:05a: Probably

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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  (323): You know you want to come over later (1-323) 1:27a: Um no (1-323) 1:45a: Maybe (1-323) 2:05a: Probably (1-323) 2:38a: I'm outside, let me in http://tfl.nu/aay3
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  (323): View more from California

  At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.

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  (323): At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands. http://tfl.nu/8842
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  (323): View more from California

  literally had 100 drinks last night.

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  (323): literally had 100 drinks last night. http://tfl.nu/jkb6
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  (415): View more from California

  Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?

  (323): View more from California

  Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her

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  (415): Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________? (323): Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her http://tfl.nu/qxlw
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  (323): View more from California

  WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.

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  (323): WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag. http://tfl.nu/8spr
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  (323): View more from California

  Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.

  (562): View more from California

  The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt

  (323): View more from California

  fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me

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  (323): Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though. (562): The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt (323): fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me http://tfl.nu/hrtm
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  (323): View more from California

  how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.

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  (323): how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs. http://tfl.nu/c8lq
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (323): View more from California

  Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

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  (323): Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel." http://tfl.nu/elen
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  (323): View more from California

  i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Special does not even begin to describe that text.

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  (323): i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet. (918): Special does not even begin to describe that text. http://tfl.nu/d8xn
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  (323): View more from California

  If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"

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  (323): If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina" http://tfl.nu/xi2d
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  (831): View more from California

  Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777

  (323): View more from California

  Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)

  (831): View more from California

  Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.

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  (831): Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777 (323): Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;) (831): Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up. http://tfl.nu/bykg
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  (323): View more from California

  question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line

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  (323): question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line http://tfl.nu/5bhb
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  (323): View more from California

  I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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  (323): I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village. http://tfl.nu/cmft
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  (323): View more from California

  rhymes with "ouble enetration"

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  (323): rhymes with "ouble enetration" http://tfl.nu/bg50
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  (323): View more from California

  I totes stole your whore crown.

  (239): View more from Florida

  With great power comes great responsibility.

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  (323): I totes stole your whore crown. (239): With great power comes great responsibility. http://tfl.nu/gvmp
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  (323): View more from California

  We should be called the Road Head Warriors

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  (323): We should be called the Road Head Warriors http://tfl.nu/vuex
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  (619): View more from California

  Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

  (323): View more from California

  How mad was your dog?

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  (619): Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night (323): How mad was your dog? http://tfl.nu/x6ig
  Replies (12) Good night (3921) Bad night (613)
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  (323): View more from California

  I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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  (323): I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache. http://tfl.nu/t0k5
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  (323): View more from California

  Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.

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  (323): Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy. http://tfl.nu/msnn
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  (818): View more from California

  If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

  (323): View more from California

  Sounds like a plan.

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  (818): If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him. (323): Sounds like a plan. http://tfl.nu/lnib
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  (323): View more from California

  Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.

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  (323): Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends. http://tfl.nu/rf3y
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  (323): View more from California

  I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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  (323): I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom. http://tfl.nu/rbnh
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  (323): View more from California

  Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.

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  (323): Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle. http://tfl.nu/1g9t
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  (323): View more from California

  may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

  (818): View more from California

  First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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  (323): may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in. (818): First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats. http://tfl.nu/s5xw
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  (323): View more from California

  No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.

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  (323): No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested. http://tfl.nu/53oj
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  (323): View more from California

  Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.

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  (323): Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision. http://tfl.nu/3mn1
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  (323): View more from California

  Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.

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  (323): Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups. http://tfl.nu/guyb
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  (818): View more from California

  he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

  (323): View more from California

  i love that song!

  (818): View more from California

  NOT THE POINT

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  (818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t
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  (323): View more from California

  Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.

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  (323): Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat. http://tfl.nu/q9lv
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  (323): View more from California

  Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.

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  (323): Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper. http://tfl.nu/471e
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  (323): View more from California

  dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning

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  (323): dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning http://tfl.nu/bjxg
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  (323): View more from California

  I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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  (323): I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning http://tfl.nu/dryp
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  (323): View more from California

  No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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  (323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo
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  (323): View more from California

  I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...

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  (323): I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me... http://tfl.nu/algl
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  (323): View more from California

  it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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  (323): it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway http://tfl.nu/ikbt
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  (424): View more from California

  You just made me feel so damn special

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  (424): You just made me feel so damn special http://tfl.nu/801g
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  (424): View more from California

  I'd wear matching sweaters with you

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  (424): I'd wear matching sweaters with you http://tfl.nu/xbhf
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  (424): View more from California

  Do u kno any dealers?

  (1-424): View more from California

  I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

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  (424): Do u kno any dealers? (1-424): I've officially lost all respect for you, dad. http://tfl.nu/eaqw
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  (424): View more from California

  I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed

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  (424): I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed http://tfl.nu/t74f
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  (424): View more from California

  I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

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  (424): I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing. http://tfl.nu/4boy
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  (310): View more from California

  thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing

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  (310): thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing http://tfl.nu/kma4
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  (310): View more from California

  if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz

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  (310): if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz http://tfl.nu/fhxu
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  (917): View more from New York City

  omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

  (310): View more from California

  wait, who's paul?

  (917): View more from New York City

  exactly.

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  (917): omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing. (310): wait, who's paul? (917): exactly. http://tfl.nu/h90s
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  (310): View more from California

  I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls

  (415): View more from California

  Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

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  (310): I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls (415): Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr? http://tfl.nu/tx8e
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  (310): View more from California

  your room smells of hookers.

  (904): View more from Florida

  And success

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  (310): your room smells of hookers. (904): And success http://tfl.nu/jlzy
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  (818): View more from California

  Jake died.

  (310): View more from California

  WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

  (818): View more from California

  Oops typo. Jake cried.

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  (818): Jake died. (310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me???? (818): Oops typo. Jake cried. http://tfl.nu/zib8
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  (310): View more from California

  i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????

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  (310): i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE???? http://tfl.nu/et58
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  (323): View more from California

  forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

  (310): View more from California

  my version of bright and sunny.

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  (323): forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell (310): my version of bright and sunny. http://tfl.nu/6mbu
  Replies (4) Good night (1482) Bad night (316)
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  (310): View more from California

  so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.

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  (310): so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking. http://tfl.nu/vds8
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  (310): View more from California

  Where are you???

  (210): View more from Texas

  With some dude on the way to his house to blaze

  (310): View more from California

  You went back to a stranger's house????

  (210): View more from Texas

  He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.

  (310): View more from California

  I love LA.

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  (310): Where are you??? (210): With some dude on the way to his house to blaze (310): You went back to a stranger's house???? (210): He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc. (310): I love LA. http://tfl.nu/3r8e
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  (310): View more from California

  he wants to bone in the snuggie

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  (310): he wants to bone in the snuggie http://tfl.nu/yssp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.

  (310): View more from California

  So you didn't like Bolt?

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  (404): Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later. (310): So you didn't like Bolt? http://tfl.nu/dqy6
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  (310): View more from California

  I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...

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  (310): I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on... http://tfl.nu/l298
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  (310): View more from California

  that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

  (818): View more from California

  its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

  (310): View more from California

  you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

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  (310): that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something (818): its my fault though, i'm wearing tights (310): you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap http://tfl.nu/15rb
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  (310): View more from California

  tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room

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  (310): tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room http://tfl.nu/5l09
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  (310): View more from California

  It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.

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  (310): It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples. http://tfl.nu/vzvv
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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  (310): View more from California

  Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.

  (310): View more from California

  Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.

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  (310): Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them. (310): Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light. http://tfl.nu/t4oe
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  (310): View more from California

  I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.

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  (310): I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today. http://tfl.nu/yukz
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  (310): View more from California

  Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.

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  (310): Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove. http://tfl.nu/uua4
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  (310): View more from California

  I think I won the penis lottery.

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  (310): I think I won the penis lottery. http://tfl.nu/0aks
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  (310): View more from California

  i was born a porn star she said

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  (310): i was born a porn star she said http://tfl.nu/fyi2
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  (310): View more from California

  So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers

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  (310): So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers http://tfl.nu/ezh2
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  (310): View more from California

  Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.

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  (310): Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive. http://tfl.nu/43yi
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  (310): View more from California

  if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

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  (310): if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right http://tfl.nu/zv74
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  (310): View more from California

  I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him

  (310): View more from California

  its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain

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  (310): I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him (310): its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain http://tfl.nu/r69k
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  (310): View more from California

  i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.

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  (310): i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that. http://tfl.nu/vq6l
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  (310): View more from California

  Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.

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  (310): Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/e0xw
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  (310): View more from California

  I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

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  (310): I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece. http://tfl.nu/uvvr
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  (310): View more from California

  please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

  (1-310): View more from California

  negative

  (310): View more from California

  come find me please

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  (310): please tell me if i'm home and in my bed (1-310): negative (310): come find me please http://tfl.nu/3ca4
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  (310): View more from California

  My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra

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  (310): My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra http://tfl.nu/y9he
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  (310): View more from California

  Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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  (310): Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies http://tfl.nu/s7p4
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  (310): View more from California

  I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....

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  (310): I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited.... http://tfl.nu/l21f
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  (310): View more from California

  I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.

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  (310): I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes. http://tfl.nu/odo7
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  (310): View more from California

  Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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  (310): Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches. http://tfl.nu/8y2o
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  (310): View more from California

  The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was

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  (310): The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was http://tfl.nu/84hp
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  Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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  (310): Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck (312): Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to? http://tfl.nu/odqf
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  (323): View more from California

  Where??

  (310): View more from California

  Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry

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  (323): Where?? (310): Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry http://tfl.nu/dekj
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  now i know why i became what i already was.

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  (310): now i know why i became what i already was. http://tfl.nu/jcnf
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  YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!

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  (310): YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??! http://tfl.nu/ltdu
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  we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again

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  (310): we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again http://tfl.nu/lt5n
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  Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.

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  (310): Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar. http://tfl.nu/dxcg
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  Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.

  (310): View more from California

  I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.

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  (310): Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail. (310): I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore. http://tfl.nu/tf34
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  you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.

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  (310): you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk. http://tfl.nu/32ev
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  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.

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  (310): you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday. http://tfl.nu/y9g2
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  Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb

  (209): View more from California

  it's ELEVEN

  (310): View more from California

  thirty

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  (310): Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb (209): it's ELEVEN (310): thirty http://tfl.nu/ukrj
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  Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."

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  (310): Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz." http://tfl.nu/9mw5
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  Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.

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  (310): Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker. http://tfl.nu/ijgw
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  Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.

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  (310): Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1. http://tfl.nu/ep6p
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  I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..

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  (310): I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas.. http://tfl.nu/m0nn
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  Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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  (310): Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :) http://tfl.nu/0k31
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  I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.

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  (310): I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE. http://tfl.nu/dkfu
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  u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.

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  (310): u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened. http://tfl.nu/5zha
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  the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.

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  (310): the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him. http://tfl.nu/jidd
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  i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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  (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy
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  My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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  (310): My entire life is one complicated drinking game http://tfl.nu/hoza
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  I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.

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  (310): I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember. http://tfl.nu/e7ka
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  (310): View more from California

  Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.

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  (310): Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers. http://tfl.nu/s498
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  I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer

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  (310): I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer http://tfl.nu/kzvv
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  Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.

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  (310): Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces. http://tfl.nu/d897
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now

  (310): View more from California

  Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...

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  (520): His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now (310): Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok... http://tfl.nu/uoe6
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  Even water is tasting like jack daniels

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  (310): Even water is tasting like jack daniels http://tfl.nu/2l5a
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  (310): View more from California

  i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets

  (818): View more from California

  julia child would be proud.

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  (310): i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets (818): julia child would be proud. http://tfl.nu/gv9u
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  (310): View more from California

  Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING

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  (310): Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING http://tfl.nu/6fv4
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  (310): View more from California

  Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

  (310): View more from California

  Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

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  (310): Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her. (310): Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse. http://tfl.nu/0qfy
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  Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.

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  (310): Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused. http://tfl.nu/xlj4
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  totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.

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  (310): totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous. http://tfl.nu/lqpw
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  i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son

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  (310): i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son http://tfl.nu/uvhv
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  Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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  (310): Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready. http://tfl.nu/0n0r
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  (310): View more from California

  A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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  (310): A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am. http://tfl.nu/d1e6
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  He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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  (310): He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance. http://tfl.nu/gr0i
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  (310): View more from California

  Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.

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  (310): Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you. http://tfl.nu/vvmp
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  i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.

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  (310): i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito. http://tfl.nu/9mvh
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  the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights

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  (310): the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights http://tfl.nu/wmcj
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  Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...

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  (310): Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me... http://tfl.nu/5b54
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  When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

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  (310): When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth http://tfl.nu/ve5l
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  Slut skills are useful in every country.

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  (310): Slut skills are useful in every country. http://tfl.nu/pvtq
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  you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.

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  (310): you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk. http://tfl.nu/ad2i
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  and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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  (310): and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity http://tfl.nu/4zrt
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  (310): View more from California

  so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

  (818): View more from California

  by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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  (310): so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA? (818): by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ http://tfl.nu/5i2r
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  but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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  (310): but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps. http://tfl.nu/w1cf
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  it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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  (310): it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls. http://tfl.nu/2hrl
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  it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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  (310): it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined http://tfl.nu/11oi
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  (310): View more from California

  So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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  (310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb
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  as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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  (310): as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!' http://tfl.nu/csk1
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  You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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  (310): You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor... http://tfl.nu/dk61
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  (310): View more from California

  LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.

  (310): View more from California

  And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.

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  (310): LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers. (310): And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow. http://tfl.nu/mkft
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  I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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  (310): I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet. http://tfl.nu/z51s
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  (310): View more from California

  So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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  (310): So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned? http://tfl.nu/6bz7
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  (310): View more from California

  So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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  (310): So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes http://tfl.nu/3hm9
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  this study room smells like vodka

  (310): View more from California

  the study room thinks the same about you

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  (573): this study room smells like vodka (310): the study room thinks the same about you http://tfl.nu/w62g
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  (310): View more from California

  Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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  (310): Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google.... http://tfl.nu/f2r9
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  (310): View more from California

  If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.

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  (310): If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick. http://tfl.nu/b0h6
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  (310): View more from California

  Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

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  (310): Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly. http://tfl.nu/9x6b
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  (310): View more from California

  I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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  (310): I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit. http://tfl.nu/d25i
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (310): View more from California

  Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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  (310): Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though. http://tfl.nu/8195
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
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  (310): View more from California

  i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic

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  (310): i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic http://tfl.nu/3sfg
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
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  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
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  (310): View more from California

  so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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  (310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out. http://tfl.nu/anew
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  (310): View more from California

  He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

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  (310): He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical. http://tfl.nu/e9fk
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  (310): View more from California

  I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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  (310): I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't http://tfl.nu/g41b
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  (310): View more from California

  I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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  (310): I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too http://tfl.nu/t8cv
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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  (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML? http://tfl.nu/ajh1
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  I want to be a cop.

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  (972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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  (502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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  (770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti http://tfl.nu/zbwe
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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  (440): Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place. http://tfl.nu/kait
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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  (857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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  (613): I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ. http://tfl.nu/qy75
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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  (908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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  (267): After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest http://tfl.nu/54ul
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  (619): View more from California

  Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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  (619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes. http://tfl.nu/4wgk
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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  (816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina http://tfl.nu/2dpv
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
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  (949): View more from California

  Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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  (949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever. http://tfl.nu/rea8
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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  (814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad. http://tfl.nu/0kg4
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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  (918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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  (618): The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass http://tfl.nu/wmly
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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  (931): a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra. http://tfl.nu/ga1u
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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  (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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  (630): My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock. http://tfl.nu/njgo
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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  (240): Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS. http://tfl.nu/2m4m
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
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  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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  (330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome. http://tfl.nu/21pe
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
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  (562): View more from California

  omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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  (562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. http://tfl.nu/2p77
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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  (630): We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. http://tfl.nu/qpmm
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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  (303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund. http://tfl.nu/xrnk
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  (212): View more from New York

  I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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  (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland. http://tfl.nu/ca0n
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (831): View more from California

  theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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  (831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it http://tfl.nu/8kg8
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (281): View more from Texas

  How do you jack off and text at the same time?

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  On my iPhone they have an app for that

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  (281): How do you jack off and text at the same time? (1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that http://tfl.nu/2tk7
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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  (734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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  (812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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  (321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting. http://tfl.nu/c1w6
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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  (843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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  (215): i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut http://tfl.nu/7c6t
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

  (313): View more from Michigan

  He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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  (313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

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  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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  (732): apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok" http://tfl.nu/q772
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  (585): View more from New York

  complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.

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  (585): complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this. http://tfl.nu/7hr5
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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  (817): He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick" http://tfl.nu/f333
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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  (401): My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar. http://tfl.nu/vsf5
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  (555): View more from

  My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

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  (555): My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique http://tfl.nu/mm4o
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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  (405): Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us http://tfl.nu/zowi
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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  (817): I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/7tmi
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  (916): View more from California

  on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

  (1-916): View more from California

  your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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  (916): on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day. (1-916): your optimism is becoming unhealthy http://tfl.nu/nzqt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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  (605): We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink. http://tfl.nu/ugbw
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  (360): View more from Washington

  whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.

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  (360): whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind. http://tfl.nu/pllx
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.

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  (804): I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size. http://tfl.nu/11z8
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.

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  (256): We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life. http://tfl.nu/312f
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?

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  (256): Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it? http://tfl.nu/m23f
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  (518): View more from New York

  He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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  (518): He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!" http://tfl.nu/furw
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.

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  (770): separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles. http://tfl.nu/p09d
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  she's a dina-saur

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  (201): you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct (973): that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand (201): she's a dina-saur http://tfl.nu/b0aw
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes

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  (860): I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes http://tfl.nu/kyj9
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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  (310): I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you http://tfl.nu/5bao
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.

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  (301): He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired. http://tfl.nu/1pq9
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.

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  (517): Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity. http://tfl.nu/x1wn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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  (917): I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina http://tfl.nu/sexo
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

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  (603): I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot. http://tfl.nu/xny3
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

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  (801): we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success http://tfl.nu/bau6
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  (361): View more from Texas

  is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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  (361): is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time? (702): not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning http://tfl.nu/nxoz
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.

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  (918): I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical. http://tfl.nu/pf93
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I think college has really matured you.

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  (901): Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front. (662): I think college has really matured you. http://tfl.nu/th4l
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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  (541): No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed. http://tfl.nu/54wn
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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  (613): I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/nxz1
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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  (704): my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!' http://tfl.nu/sd3c
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