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Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So squirting runs in the family.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
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