Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Loading more great texts...