LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just invented taco cereal.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You coming home soon, man?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I like how the only thing you spelled correc