Texts From Last Night · kateburke17's Favorites

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why do you think she gets more guys?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

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(360): View more from Washington

WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN

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(309): View more from Illinois

My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

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(913): View more from Kansas

I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(281): View more from Texas

If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(607): View more from New York

You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick

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(503): View more from Oregon

Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.

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(416): View more from Toronto

They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(914): View more from New York

What are you wearing tonight?

(510): View more from California

The colors of the winddddddd

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

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(650): View more from California

you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"

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(740): View more from Ohio

she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(315): View more from New York

I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

(203): View more from Connecticut

For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up

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(712): View more from Iowa

I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(301): View more from Maryland

There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

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(703): View more from Virginia

im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(360): View more from Washington

You know you think of me naked too

(210): View more from Texas

Not since I found Jesus

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(905): View more from Toronto

she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(440): View more from Ohio

He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(727): View more from Florida

His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(786): View more from Florida

What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(206): View more from Washington

Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I cannot find my penis.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.

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(585): View more from New York

he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.

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(703): View more from Virginia

is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there was a trapeze. enough said

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(440): View more from Ohio

I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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(720): View more from Colorado

How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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(703): View more from Virginia

no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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(208): View more from Idaho

i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?

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(925): View more from California

"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(415): View more from California

My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(661): View more from California

I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.

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(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.

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(818): View more from California

We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

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(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(516): View more from New York

this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

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(303): View more from Colorado

New channing tatum movie.

(858): View more from California

I'll bring my vibrator.

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(561): View more from Florida

definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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(314): View more from Missouri

the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast

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(813): View more from Florida

No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.

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(770): View more from Georgia

she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho

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(816): View more from Missouri

I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.

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(516): View more from New York

How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(678): View more from Georgia

xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

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(316): View more from Kansas

toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(330): View more from Ohio

fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(302): View more from Delaware

I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn

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(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

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(630): View more from Illinois

a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

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(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(913): View more from Kansas

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

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(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

well..are you winning?

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(310): View more from California

you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(406): View more from Montana

What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(631): View more from New York

Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(727): View more from Florida

You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(970): View more from Colorado

do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(516): View more from New York

I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

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(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(828): View more from North Carolina

At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

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(248): View more from Michigan

I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(518): View more from New York

Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

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(805): View more from California

we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home

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(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(856): View more from New Jersey

she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.

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(613): View more from Ontario

If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

so yall hooked up?

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(703): View more from Virginia

Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(845): View more from New York

just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

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(641): View more from Iowa

i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(718): View more from New York

He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(512): View more from Texas

She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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(804): View more from Virginia

Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?

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(850): View more from Florida

Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

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(727): View more from Florida

He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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(716): View more from New York

right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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(561): View more from Florida

just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(914): View more from New York

all she had left on were here heels. phone five

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(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(409): View more from Texas

I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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(207): View more from Maine

Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(719): View more from Colorado

Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(917): View more from New York City

I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.

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(209): View more from California

Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.

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(253): View more from Washington

she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

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(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(407): View more from Florida

Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(407): View more from Florida

shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(716): View more from New York

how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"

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(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed

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(216): View more from Ohio

my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(925): View more from California

After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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(907): View more from Alaska

the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas

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(916): View more from California

She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(312): View more from Illinois

just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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(713): View more from Texas

Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

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(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(305): View more from Florida

Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(937): View more from Ohio

What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

that would be two times in a week with two different guys.

(913): View more from Kansas

they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(419): View more from Ohio

Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(269): View more from Michigan

i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(269): View more from Michigan

i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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(231): View more from Michigan

We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(210): View more from Texas

i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(913): View more from Kansas

Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(563): View more from Iowa

The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(806): View more from Texas

Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(407): View more from Florida

Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.

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(607): View more from New York

Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances

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(626): View more from California

The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(636): View more from Missouri

No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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(205): View more from Alabama

i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(858): View more from California

I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?

(773): View more from Illinois

Too tired to pretend that I care : (

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(301): View more from Maryland

i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

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(313): View more from Michigan

Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

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(248): View more from Michigan

i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both

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(614): View more from Ohio

I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life

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(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.

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(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.

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(925): View more from California

I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

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(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(578): View more from

drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(313): View more from Michigan

you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth

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(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?

(586): View more from Michigan

Cause it just destroys penises

(586): View more from Michigan

Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore

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(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

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(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death

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(330): View more from Ohio

I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits

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(323): View more from California

dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

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(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

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(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(253): View more from Washington

I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(315): View more from New York

he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

No subtext here. People are naked.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

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(251): View more from Alabama

As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(941): View more from Florida

Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think i scared a bird with my dick

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(310): View more from California

Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(757): View more from Virginia

i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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(925): View more from California

she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...

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(207): View more from Maine

You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(940): View more from Texas

we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(305): View more from Florida

If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(239): View more from Florida

Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(302): View more from Delaware

He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(303): View more from Colorado

i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me

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(631): View more from New York

she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(925): View more from California

his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

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(586): View more from Michigan

you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up

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(425): View more from Washington

Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

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(650): View more from California

Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

(339): View more from Massachusetts

Oh yeah that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(607): View more from New York

you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

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(409): View more from Texas

well he's currently spooning the coffee table

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(925): View more from California

curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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(703): View more from Virginia

well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

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(586): View more from Michigan

Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers

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(804): View more from Virginia

I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(289): View more from Ontario

She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(909): View more from California

grandma shit on top of the toilet

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

(732): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I went along with it

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(616): View more from Michigan

They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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(443): View more from Maryland

but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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