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One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So many bounce houses so little time
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
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