Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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