we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
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you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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