I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
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