In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
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