does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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