Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Loading more great texts...