This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
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