By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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