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Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You need a sexual gate keeper
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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