Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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