I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i've created a new STD.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
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