The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
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