Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
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