And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
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