In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
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I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
40s are totally the cure
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
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