i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
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