I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
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