She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
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