the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
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