I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
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