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Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Semen is not good for contacts.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
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