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This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You need a sexual gate keeper
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We were destined to go to rehab together
My fuck buddy is great and
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