if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
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