you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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