Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
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