Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Send us your Text From Last Night!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Loading more great texts...