...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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