Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
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