Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Send us your Text From Last Night!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
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