Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
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