Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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