I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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