I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
50% drunk capacity currently
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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