omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
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