Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
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