okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Piņatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Loading more great texts...