Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
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