I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
this will be a night to untag.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I take back everything I said about communal showers
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she pinky promised me she was 18
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.